Taking a cue from Ari P. & SweetNB (inspired by Kottke), here are the places I’ve slept in 2006, not including overnight airplane rides, yet including the ANP drivel-in-text-format that you’ve come to know and loathe.

1. Brooklyn*. Yo, I live here.

2. Los Angeles. I spent a mere 24 hours in this town with Millsy and naturally, he took me everywhere and I was three feet from Cheri Oteri and was introduced to a new friend that I’ve been able to see twice since during his travels to NYC. After that trip, I have to say, I am lovin’ me some LA. Can’t wait to head back to see Jules n Oz, Chinkara, Erin & family, HSL & Reggiemonster, Rob, Adrian K., etc.

3. Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

4. Ciudad de Mexico. Oh, God, so truly wonderful. Great weather, fantastic company, and the food and the men and the everything.

5. Middlebury, Indiana*. Where the ‘rents live.

6. Manhattan.

7. St. Petersburg, Russia. Marc n Mirm’s crib near Nevskiy Prospekt. What an amazing experience. Also, my acne cleared up here.

8. Moscow, Russia. Amazing experience 2.0.

9. Woodstock, NY. Laden with fascinating folk. Just not in the way that I bet they think they’re fascinating.

10. Chicago*. Rahnee’s bachelorette party.

11. Somewhere atop a mountain in the Catskills. Rainy. Cold. And yet, warm. I have never been more excited to see pavement.

12. Croton something. Falls? On Hudson? * shrug * It reminded me why I loved Port Chester, and why I was glad to leave Port Chester.

13. New Haven, Connecticut. I have officially entered that part of my life where I’m willing to pay a premium for a nice, conveniently-situated hotel. Yup. E.

14. St. Clairsville, Ohio, home of the Amerasian Boo-fay.

15. Indianapolis, home of the most delicious bundle of lurfe ever spawned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost made the list: Berlin (too much going on at work in September & missed Katherine’s show / my annual hit of Christopher G. Sandeman); Dusseldorff (would have been a business trip wrapped into Berlin; damn); Vieques P.R. (low on cash and time), Maine (missed Aaron’s bday due to RKP’s wedding).

2007: Middlebury in March fo shizzle, definitely need to go camping and build an actual campfire, want to make Choyo’s Maine Event, will go wherever Sandeman has a place for me to crash, LA?, a sunny beach locale, a ski lodge within driving distance … Thailand?

Happy 2007, peeps!

With the sun setting on 2006, many of us turn an eye towards the unavoidable (and relatively non-linear) march of time. Thus, inspired by NYC Babylon’s “The Men of 2006″, et voila nous avons The Men With Whom ANP Went On At Least Half A Dozen Dates (But Did Not Necessarily Have Relations) in 2006.

(A college buddy of mine once discovered the three ring binder housing the gut-wrenching details of each and every man with whom his high school sweetheart and then girlfriend had ever done anything remotely sexual. File under: girl has low self esteem and needs to continually look at “evidence” that she’s desirable because she lacks intrinsic self-worth. This list ain’t like that. This here list is for amusement, not self-worth-ment, purposes only. I burned my metaphorical three ring binder and the abstract noun that felt compelled to create it this past summer.)

The Failed Actor

I found this loose cannon while searching for men 40-43 6′2″ or taller on Craigslist.

My coworkers were divided. “This dude is gonna take you places. He looks like the adventurous type,” declared my boss Terrence, giving a thumbs up.

“Serial killer,” replied Cohen, eyebrows smirking. “End of story.”

(Click here to continue reading…)

Wanna git started as a writer?

Buy my (lovely, sweet, talented, smart) friend Jane’s book:  Beginning Writer’s Answers Book

I just loaded up on Writer’s Digest publications at the Mishawaka Barnsenfelden and can’t wait to dig in.  Go get it!

& congratulations, Jane!!

I take it back.

• Yelling “Allons-y! J’ai besoin de faire un pipi! O la la!” at the top of your lungs while schussing 87mph through Penna. does not make cars get out of your way OR move NEXT REST AREA 20 MILES any closer
• Playing the “Okay, who farted?” game is a lot less challenging when you’re driving alone
• Salivating in anticipation over the buffet of Amerasians should only happen if you’re certain of the pectopah’s name. And are confident that ‘Amerasian Buffet’ is not simply the nickname a hotel employee punched into the hotel chain’s content management system. Since in fact it is not a buffet of Amerasians, but a buffet of kings. And it closes early today. (It’s crazy seafood special time at Red Lobster, folks!)
• Following your dad’s advice
  

  Now please don’t be too aggressive on those sweet, sweet curves through Pennsylvania! Just gently clip the “apex” (what’s the plural of apex?) … straighten that twisty road right on out. Always be smooth, never jerky … as your car begins to settle down after coming through that curve add some power and just SAIL AWAY!

  is optional, but treasuring every word and loving every ounce of the man who penned it isn’t.

Tomorrow: Swim in the hotel pool, dine in the barrel of crackers, then off to Indy!

ANP reads this:

Demetri Martin @ Town Hall

We didn’t think Yale alums could be funny, but Demetri Martin’s stand-up comedy routine and work as a contributor for The Daily Show, has proved us wrong. You’ll recognize him from the show’s segment “Trendspotting.” Recent projects include clearification.com, a series of slapstick, off-the-wall “webisodes,” aimed at promoting Windows Vista, and a nation-wide tour…

in her two-months-old-email from Black Book Magazine, and slowly, gently reaches for her special love-muffin …

Dining options in the town I’m sleeping in tomorrow night:

Melhmans Cafeteria
Serves: Cafeteria sytle restaurant with a variety of resonable priced homecooking items on the menu.

Undos West
Serves: A family owned Italian Restaurant that Specializes in fine Italian Food, Steaks and Seafood

Amerasian Buffet
Location: Ohio Valley Mall
Serves: Open for lunch and Dinner. This wonderful Resturant offers Soups, Salads, Cold Seafood Bar and a mouthwatering variety of the finest Chinese Cuisene in our area.

Applebees Neighborhhood Grill
Location: Walmart Shopping Plaza
Serves: Steaks,chicken,Ribs,salads with a southwestern flair.

Red Lobster
Location: Walmart Shopping Plaza
Serves: Dinner Go overboard with red lobster’s seafood.Hospitality you can taste and touch.

Craker Barrell / Bob Evans
Serves: Good homestyle Country Cookin’

I do not jest when I say my skin is tingling with anticipation. Will I dine at the Amerasian Buffet (Such a place exists!! I have visions of a Hapa dating website a la CrackerMate.com!) or sate my lobster needs at Lead Robster?

Good thing my appetite is back up, way way up. Goodbye 157; here I come 172. God Bless Amurrica.

Here’s hoping the roads aren’t shit. [via SweetNB.com]

(P.S. This is not some snarky chypstere post. I am serious as cancer. I fucking love visiting the god damned Midwest and I can NOT weight wait to have some real-deal rib glue make its way down my gullet.)

Sometimes, you need to call bullshit. Maybe you’re reading a deck, some Kant, or the draft of your first novel (which in hindsight was tremendously bad and it’s a good thing the only other person in the world who read it tossed it immediately into a government-issue bonfire). What’re you gonna do?

You’re gonna grab your dick - on - a - stamp (in a box) and show that text who’s boss.

Hand (ahem) crafted from an image that appeared briefly in Wikipedia’s ‘masturbation’ entry, only four were made.

Your dick - on - a - stamp will arrive in a box. Only two are available for purchase, and due to the extremely limited run of these very useful office supplies, pricing them at $50 each including shipping means I break even.

Click here to buy your very own dick - on - a - stamp (in a box)

1. Click the link abo-o-ve
2. I’ll stick your stamp in a box
3. And then you’ll open the bo - o - ox

Let’s say you’re on a date. You play the name game, and it turns out you know some of the same people. And by “know”, I mean your date has slept with a woman you know. (Okay, this is all theoretical people, calm it down over there.)

Now, good for your date for revealing it upfront, ’cause depending on where things go you are bound to find out sooner or later. (No one escapes the Googleslurp; the ‘net is making people accountable for their chutzpah.com like no other abstract noun before it.)

(Click here to continue reading…)

Mossm put an article regarding mongs on my radar -

Those with IQs between 51 and 70 were called morons. Morons had adequate learning skills to complete menial tasks and communicate. Imbeciles, with IQs between 26 and 50, never progressed past a mental age of about six. And the lowest of all were the idiots, with IQ between 0 and 25…

Just the kind of information that could have been lethal in the hands of an Academite…