My freshman year in college, food items went mysteriously missing from our shared fridge (rented from Hendrie; I bet every college kid now has their own fridge, no?). Angry signs (”ANP’s; DO NOT EAT!!!”) went ignored; chocolate in all its forms went missing.

Enter Erin, whose creativity found perfect expression when she mixed crushed Ex Lax into refrigerated cookie dough. When the guilty party ended up moving into the toilet for the better part of a weekend, a new sign was affixed to our fridge: “It’s really shitty to eat other people’s food.”

Today at The Bank, I noticed the new Frenchman’s soy milk container standing proudly amongst the yet-to-be-cost-reduced Bank-issue Parmalat. “SOY MILK. STEPHANE. KEEP OUT!”

I couldn’t help but think, “Those tall proud red felt tip pen letters would be so much more theft-deterring with one simple edit.”

“SOY MILK. BREAST MILK. STEPHANE. KEEP OUT!”

Bien sur. Evidemment. Et les autres choses comme ca.

He’s taken my suggestion under advisement.

What have you seen when it comes to common area refrigerator protocol?

Tonight I add no value and simply act as a zero-liability pass-through mechanism. Don’t worry, I take zero margin, and consider this linkage a ross reader for the delightful Google adwords that you will click on prior to navigating away from this website in order to get me twelve cents closer to paying off my college loans.

• Watch the short film of Alecia’s hubby. Like Alecia, the film is supercute. Like every hairstyle I’ve seen her with for the past fourteen years (holy crap…), the film is also short. “Sometimes a man has to follow the echoed yearnings of his soul.” (Another picnic video.)
• Read the ?s couples should ask before getting hitched. My curious fascination with marriage right now is a very academic one. Consider:
• The universe’s transition from the age of Pisces (woman lives through man) to the age of Aquarius (each individual is their own tree with roots and branches entangled with those of their beloved)
• My desire for at least my own bed (if not my own wall-to-wall carpeted bedroom) even after I get murried
• Robert Firestone’s Fantasy Bond completely altered my interpretation of human interactions & especially romantic relationship dyamics

And, finally …

I am Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman 100% Supergirl 95% The Flash 80% Robin 70% Iron Man 70% Batman 70% Superman 65% Spider-Man 60% Catwoman 60% Hulk 60% Green Lantern 50%

I am a beautiful princess with great strength of character.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

(via Ari “Iron Man” Paparo)

(Alecia, I looked everywhere for the photo of Hallowe’en 1993. Alas, it remains MIA, but would have been the perfect addition to this post, n’est-ce pas?)

Time to inflate some balls for tomorrow night’s game against a 4-1 team @ 94th n Park.

I had a plan, and I executed.

1. Take pre-existing chunky turtleneck sweater circa The Limited, 2000
2. Add summertime Old Navy tulip skirt and perfect fit tee
3. Buy some thigh-high socks from American (P)aparo
4. Buy some boy short undies by Champion
5. Add floral print lace tall hose

= Snowflake outfit!!!!!!

Behold the magical powers of prancing around Brooklyn in this giddyup!

Good thing I bought new tires at Tire Rack when I was home last month.  (As if the fact that my muffler is about to make kissy-face with the BQE will make snowdriving easy; details, details!)

Anyone know of a ski lodge within 3-4 hours driving that has an in-room hot tub, hot n sweaty?  I want to take myself on a hot date and curl up with some Soviet bubbly after a long day making everyone on the slopes hate my no-technique, just- go- fast- cuz- I- have- more- than- one- rib self.

Although I stopped shaving my moustache around the same time I realized tweezers could be used for more than just plucking mom’s white hairs, I’m not yet bougie enough to laser my follicles and I never wax my lower legs.

So in advance of the incredibly colorful NJSO concert last night, I actually shaved my legs. And I used some brand new tools and have to report.

It was the closest. Shave. Ever.

Even my pits feel smoove!

You, too, can replicate this at home. Here’s what you need:

1. eshave’s almond shave cream. This is the single most important thing. I hear a close shave is a function of molecule size; the smaller the molecules, the closer the blades can get to the hair. This certainly stands to reason, as in my various tests, the shave cream has outperformed gels or foams, etc. Also, this stuff smells re-he-heally good.
2. Tweezerman pure badger shaving brush. Dip into the cream, flit around the areas to be shaved. It feels soft and fuzzy and frankly, delightful.
3. Shick Quattro high-performing no screwing around razor. Again, I’m sure that other razors would have done well with the cream (I used a disposable Shick with the cream and had a good shave) but this just happens to be the one I used last night.

I like to follow up by spritzing Miller Harris citron body oil on my legs and patting baby powder onto my pits.

Whatever you do, beware the desire to fondle your own calves and rub the soles of your feet up your own shins. Other people might want access to your legs too, so be nice and share.

Happy shaving, ladies! (and trannies!)

Neighborhood rivalries are nothing new. When school districts were forced to consolidate, old rivalries didn’t disappear as soon as the new school bell rang. Puhleez. Man, I still feel beef about North Liberty v. Walkerton, I ain’t gonna front.

But arguing about which neighborhood is “cooler” — particularly when those taking part in the discussion are unlikely to have been born and raised there — seems like a waste of time. And yet, a Queens West v. Brooklyn North battle percolated for a hot moment.

I like Long Island City.  I like Greenpoint.  I don’t even hate Williamsburg anymore.  Clinton Hill is home, Fort Greene’s alright, Park Slope’s kinda fun, and DUMBO’s okay by me too.  Red Hook is fascinating, Kensington’s got its thing …

I mean, really.  Who gives a shit?  It’s not so much where you live.  It’s how you live.

Minds open?  Hearts gentle?  Fly zipped?

Curious to know if town throw-downs are a curiosity of norzern Indiana or if other places have local rivalries, too…

—

Ugh, I wish I could fall asleep!  All keyed up about tomorrow night!  (I mean, tonight.  Crap.) 

As of December 20, 2008, the content for this post has relocated to:  Vaporware.

(No, not as in see-through clothing.)

I get about forty crazy ideas a month for projects I’ll never complete (Foodums.com, TheYesPile.com, CategoryOTHER.com, etc.). And this WordPress platform with all of its open source goodness has made me decide to share my business ideas with the world. ‘Cuz I’ll never get the capital or the desire attention span to actually run with these ideas, but if someone out there in the ether does, that’s cool. Some props would be nice, free money would be better, but whatever.

Open source business idea number one, in category: vaporware, is a mashup between social networks and affiliate networks.

Think: subaffiliate network with a dash of tina. You can’t monetize your MySpace page with GooGlads as it’s behind a login wall. And kids who know about affiliate marketing sure as heck don’t want to take the time to join affiliate marketing networks and make links to add to their profiles.

Solution? Trusted interface that plugs n plays product SKUs and makes a happy stylish badge for your social network profiles.

User experience: pick from a finite list of top brands, or just check the box that says “show the popular stuff!” and the badge can rotate the top converters. Color customization, etc. also possible. Key to success: MAKE IT SIMPLE. And make it cool. (eChikita minimall? Puhleez.) Profile owners can get paid out in PayPal, or maybe they just want free stuff. (Bonus: tie in with an existing currency for some brand^2 action … and breakage possibilities.)

Affiliate networks’ advertisers get increased distribution in an environment with no less control than paid media, affiliate networks get their standard overhead, vaporware gets to build new distribution and profit from the spread, kids get to make a few bucks and look cool by showing the logos they like on their profos …

Now, I’ve got about ten thousand process flows in my head about how this should be built and how the company should be run and how many relationship managers should be decked against fetching me steamed pork buns, but if you see this open source idear and wanna run with it, you’ll have to hire me as a moonwriter. Lighter.

Whatever.

On October 19, 2008, this post moved to Chill it out this year, folks.

>> FYF 2007

Apologies to all the randos that may have received a slightly aggro comment on their blog recently. There’s something in the air.

No, really. The Office Yogi was explaining how 2007 promises to be a full year of combative energy, as people release their pent-up anxieties and frustrations. You see, us humans have apparently been holding our authenticity down, zipping our lip, not letting ourselves fly. So allowing ourselves the permission to speak up is a good thing, right? Heideggerian being-toward-death and all?

But with the good — people letting themselves be vulnerable or sincere, for example — comes the bad:

• A lady and her male companion jumped out of their Miata on Third Avenue at the 10th street stoplight to accost me after they nearly sideswiped my vehicle. As the 4′8″ Sorta Rican chick is punching me and aggressively grabbing the bill of my 9Y9 baseball cap (I had a bball game in the ‘hood), one word is floating through my brain as I stood there absorbing her blows: Fascinating.
• My coworker was shot and killed a few weeks ago after a minor argument with a stranger, a dozen or so blocks from my crib.
• Bloodshed in Iraq is on the upswing.
• A family in Hopewell Junction, home of my cubicle neighbor, was brutally murdered this weekend.
• My relatively mild-mannered li’l sis deigned to bang on the hood of a car that nearly hit her.

Point being: there’s a lot of adversarial energy bubbling to the surface out there, and what may have been just a gentle prod in ‘05 (say, tapping someone’s car while at a stoplight) will be responded to with some over-the-top reactionary crumdum in the oh seven.

So what I’mma do? Chill it out. Keep it low. Be a leader out there to the people, and don’t engage in any petty stupid shit. It ain’t worth it.

>> Sears

Along these lines, this weekend I heeded the advice of my notes-to-self that take the form of tchotch in my bedroom (a picture frame with “Be gentle, my sweet!” as the picture; a porcelain heart that reads “feel”) and hightailed it over to experience the joys of the softer side of Sears.

And got me this delightful polyester nightgown, a true vision in thistle slash orchid slash lavender.

(Click here for a walk down memory lane vis a vis Binney Smith.)

Also picked up a house coat (yes!) for true old lady steez. I don’t care what anyone says, eyelet trim and pearlized snap buttons are the hotness.

(P.S. The Sears on Bedford Ave. requires a visit to its cafe for some delish oxtail stew and homemade sorrel juice. (Pearlized) snap. Take the elevator to floor three.)

>> Pointers

So now that I’ve a heightened awareness of the crazy energy afoot in this world, I know I’ve got to lie low and keep my dragon lady fire and Scorpio stinger chilled the fuck out. But I’m feeling more aggro than usual regardless, so here’s what I do to let that kind of energy get out and not create felunchles on my ass cheeks:

• Yell. In my car, during my commute. Screaming nothing works, singing loud works, yelling “I wish I could still respect him!” at the top of my lungs. Whatever. The point is to get that energy past your throat, where a lot of energy gets blocked (resulting in sore throats, etc.), and allowing your body to release it.
• Shadow box. I store tension in my shoulders. It comes from my fundamental conception that the universe is a hostile place and everyone is out to git me. So it helps if I shadow box, usually while grunting. Similarly …
• Cleans n jerks. These are good, because it takes the energy from your full range of motion and throws it up onto the ceiling.

Any kind of working out is good to work out these feelings if you’re noticing that you’re on edge these days. And if you’re not, just be mindful that others around you might be, and that the tiniest thing might set them off where as a few months ago, it wouldn’t have.

And as the Spring-ding always says, “Take care of yourselves. And each other.”

Word.